Privacy
I have some business to do west of the state, so take the opportunity to stand in the small town where my ex-wife lives. We have not seen in four years. But occasionally, if something of mine is published or written about me in magazines and newspapers, "a biographical sketch, an interview," I send the clippings. I do not know why I do it, maybe because I think you might be interested. But she never answered me.
nine o'clock in the morning. I have not phoned, and I really do not know how you will.
But let me pass. It does not seem surprised. We shake hands. Needless to say we do not kiss. I passed the room. I've only a few seconds sitting when I bring coffee. Then starts to tell me what you think. He says I'm guilty of their anguish, I've made you feel naked and humiliated.
Quite simply, it sounds so familiar that I do not feel at all uncomfortable.
says: And then you got full on deception. So soon. You always felt good in the deception. No, not true. Initially at least it was not. So you were different. But I was different, I guess. Everything was different then. No, it was after you turned thirty-five or thirty-six, by that time, I do not know exactly when, midway through the thirties. Then you started. Go if you started. You turned on me. We released at ease. You to feel very proud of yourself.
says: Sometimes I have wanted to scream.
should forget the hard days, bad times to talk about that time, he says. Stop and think also about the good, he says. Or is not there? I would like to leave aside the others, ill. It is tired of the happy issue. Tired of hearing about it. Your favorite old song says. What's done is done, and nobody can change the past. A tragedy, yes. God knows that was a tragedy rather than a tragedy. But what comes back to it? Have not you ever get tired of digging up the old story?
says: Leave the past aside, for the love of God. All those old wounds. Surely in your quiver other arrows must stay.
says: You know something? I think you're sick. I think you're like a goat. Hey, do not you believe all that stuff they say about you? Do not believe them even in jest. Look, I could tell you a few things. Let me talk to them I did I could tell something good.
says: Are you listening?
I'm listening, I say. I'm all ears, I say.
says: What I had to put up, sir! And besides, who has asked to come to me? I do not, of course. Show up and enter. What the hell you want from me? Blood? More blood? Thought you were already full belly.
says: Think I'm dead. I want to leave me alone. What I want is to leave me alone, I forget. Look, I have forty-five years. Forty-five, and I have the impression of fifty-five, or sixty-five. So leave me alone, do you want?
says: Why not delete all the board and look after what's left? Why not start yet another board? Do it, maybe you get away.
latter makes you laugh. I laugh too, but in my case the nerves.
says: You know something? I also had my chance, but let it go. Yes, let it go. No I have told you ever. But now look at me. Look! Throw me a good look, now you can. Chuck left me like a rag, you big son of a bitch.
says: At that time I was younger, and better person. Maybe you were too. Better person, I mean. You were, no doubt. You had to be a better person, because otherwise never have had anything to do with you.
says: I loved you so much. I loved you dearly. Yes, I loved you. More than anything in the world. Do you realize? It is to laugh. Can you imagine? We were so intimately united in those days I can hardly believe it. I think that's what I miss most is me now. The memory of having such intimacy with someone. An intimacy so great that makes me want to vomit. I have no head and intimacy with another person. I never have it again.
says: Honestly, I want to leave everything outside now. I'm serious. Besides, who do you think you are? Do you think God or something? You are not worthy even to lick the boots. Neither God nor the boots of anyone, for that matter. Sir, have you been frequenting people not you. But what I can I know? I do not even know what they know. But I know I do not like what you've been handing out hand over fist. At least I know that. You know what I mean, right? Am right?
No, I say. Absolutely.
says: You will prove me right around, right? You give up very easily. You have always been the same. You do not have principles, not one. You are able to do anything to cop-out to less conflict. While that is beside.
says: Do you remember that time you threatened with a knife?
He says in passing, as if it were unimportant.
Vaguely, I say. I probably deserved it, but I remember it well. Come on, tell me, go ahead.
says: I think now I begin to understand ... I think I know why you came. Yes I know why you're here, but maybe you do not know. But If you are an old fox. You know why you're here. You're out fishing. In search of material. "I approach? Have I been right?
knife Tell me what I say.
says: If you must know, I regret not having come to use it. Really. I say with my heart in my hand. I've thought a thousand times, and I am sorry not to have used. I had the chance. But I hesitated. I hesitated and the chance was lost, as someone said. But I should have used, and to hell with it. I should have taken a cut in the arm, at least. At least that.
But you did not, I say. I thought you were going to give me a knife, but did not. Then I removed the knife.
says: You've always been lucky. You took me and gave me a slap. I am sorry not to have used the knife. A small cut, at least. Even a small cut was enough to leave a good remembrance of me.
I have lots of memories, I say. And the point I regret having said.
says: Amen, brother. In case you have not noticed, there's the apple of discord. Therein lies the whole problem. But in my opinion, as I said, remember what you should not remember. Remember the low things, embarrassing. So you're interested so when I brought out the knife.
says: I wonder if you ever have any regrets. If that feeling is worth something today. Not much, I fear. Although you should already be a specialist in the field.
Repentance, I say. Does not interest me much, really. It is a term used very often. Repentance. No, I guess in general I do not feel anything. I admit I have a tendency to dwell on the dark side of things. Well, sometimes. But repentance? No, I think not.
says: You're a great son of a bitch, you know? A ruthless and insensitive bastard. Would you have ever told?
Yes, you say. Thousands of times.
says: I always tell the truth. Even if it hurts. You'll never catch me in a lie.
says: I have the scales fell from his eyes long ago, but was too late. I had my chance, but I let slip through your fingers. For a while I even thought I'd return. How could I imagine something similar? Must be very mad. I have wanted to mourn at sea, but I will not give you that pleasure.
says: You know If you're burning alive now, if suddenly your body is put on fire at this very moment, it would be to kick you up a bucket of water.
laughs at what he just said. But his face serious again be followed.
says: What the hell are you doing here? Will you keep hearing things? I could go on for days. I think I know why you're here, but I want to be you who tell me.
When she did not answer, I'm still sitting there and still continues.
says: Thereafter, from the day you went away, and nothing mattered. Or children, or God, or anything. It was as if I did not know what cataclysm had struck. It was as if he had suddenly ceased to live. He had been living year after year, and life suddenly stopped. Did not stop without more, but with a horrible screech. I thought, if for him worthless, not worth anything for myself, for anyone. That was the worst. I felt that I was going to break your heart. What, you say? I had broken. Of course it broke. So, without further. And still broken, if you must know. That is the truth, in a nutshell. I put it all on you: all your eggs in one basket. That's what I did. All rotten eggs in one basket.
says, find another, eh? Do not take long. And now you're happy. That's what they say about you, anyway. "Now is happy." You know? I read everything you sent me! You thought I was not going to do? Listen, sir, I know him very well. I've always known well. Then and now. I know deep in your heart. All their recesses. Never forget. Your heart is a jungle, a dark forest. A trash can, if you want to know. If you want to ask someone, tell them to come talk to me. I know very well how it works. You let it come by here will learn a bunch of things. I was there. On the front line, Comrade. Then I show off and ridiculed in your ... "Literature." To everyone pity me or be allowed to judge. Ask me if I cared. Ask me if I had shame. Come on, ask me.
No, I say. I will not asking you. Do not get into it, I say.
Of course I do not want! And you also know why!
says: Dear, I do not offend you, but sometimes I think I would be able to shoot you and stare at how to stretch the leg.
says: You can not look into my eyes, huh?
Dice (and are literal words): You're not even able to look into my eyes when I talk.
Okay, okay, I look in her eyes.
says: So. Perfect. So we can get somewhere. That's much better. If you look in the eyes, you know a lot about the person with whom you speak. He knows everyone. But you know something else? Nobody on the planet would dare tell you. Nobody but me. I have the right. I earned that right, dear. Well, listen, you think someone you're not. That's the truth. But what I can I know? That's what I say in a hundred years. They say: Who was she, after all? "
says: In any case, what is clear is that you yes I've made to me by another person. I do not even I have the same name! Not that I got when I was born, nor that I took when I lived with you, nor I had a couple of years. How do you explain that? What are all these changes? Well, listen: I want to let me live in peace. Please. I do not think that is a crime.
says: Should not you be elsewhere? Do not have no plane to catch? Should not I be somewhere two hundred miles from here at this very moment?
No, I say. And I repeat: No. I have to be anywhere. Then
do something. I reach and I take his sleeve blouse between thumb and forefinger. And that's all. I only play it well, and then withdraw the hand. She does not deviate. Not moving.
And here's what I do then: I'm on my knees, a big guy like me, and I take the hem of her dress. What am I doing on the floor? I wish I knew. But I know I'm where I belong, and I clung to his knees under her dress.
stood for a moment, but the next moment say: OK, silly. You're so stupid sometimes ... Get up. I tell you to get up. Come on, trust me. I've overcome. It took me a while but I managed to overcome it. What did you think? What I was going to be easy? Then show up at my door and all the old story again I come over. I needed to air it. But you know and I know that everything is water under the bridge.
says: For a long time, my disappointment was complete. Inconsolable ... So I was, honey. Write that word in your little notebook. I can say from experience that is the saddest word in any dictionary. Well, but in the end I could overcome it. Time is a gentleman, a scholar said. Or a tired old woman, who knows.
says: Now I have a life. A life different from yours, but I guess we should not compare them. It's my life, and that's important, is that what I have to be more and more aware as get older. But do not feel too bad. Well, maybe not to worry because you feel a little sick. Do not die, and is the least we can expect from someone who is not able to repent.
says: Come on, get up. You have to go. My husband is about to arrive for lunch. How could I explain all this?
is absurd, but still clinging to their knees under her dress. I do not want released. I'm like a terrier, and it is as if glued to the floor. As if he could not move.
Says: Get up now. What? Want more of me? What do you want? What do you forgive? Is that why you do all this? That is why, is not it? That's why I veered off to come to me. The knife looks like you have revived a bit. I thought you had forgotten. But I was there to remind you. Well, if you go I'll tell you right now.
says: I forgive you.
says: Are you satisfied? Better way? Are you happy? Yes, now is happy.
But I'm still there, kneeling.
says: Did you hear what I said? You have to go. Hey, stupid? Honey, I told you I forgive you. So I've remembered what the knife. What else I can do? You stand out well, small. Come on, hurry up, gotta go. Get up. So, fine. You're still a big man, huh? Here's your hat. Do not forget your hat. Before you ever wore a hat. Never ever seen you with a hat.
says: Listen. Look at me. Listen carefully to what I have to say.
is approaching. His face is just an inch from mine. We had not been so close in some time. I breathe the air choppy and quietly so you do not hear me, and wait. I have the impression that my heart beats more slowly.
says: Tell it like you think, and forget the rest. As always you have done. Ve been doing that will be very difficult.
says: Okay. It's done. You're free, does not it? At least you think you are. Free at last. It was a joke pero no te rías. De todas formas te sientes mejor, ¿no crees?
Me acompaña por el pasillo.
Dice: No sé cómo podría explicarle esto a mi marido si apareciera en este momento. Pero qué importa. Si nos ponemos a pensarlo, hoy día a nadie le importa un comino nada. Además, creo que todo lo que podía pasar ya ha pasado. A propósito, mi marido se llama Fred. Es un buen hombre. Trabaja duro para ganarse la vida. Y se preocupa por mí.
Me acompaña hasta la puerta, que ha estado abierta todo el rato. Durante toda la mañana han estado entrando la luz y el aire fresco y los ruidos de la calle, pero no nos hemos dado cuenta. Miro hacia el exterior y veo, oh, Dios, una luna blanca suspendida in the morning sky. I have not ever seen anything so extraordinary. But I'm scared comment. Yes, I'm afraid. I do not know what could happen. You could even throw me to mourn. Or not at all understand my own words.
says, may someday come back to me or maybe not. What today will soon fade, you know. 'll Be back to feeling bad. Maybe get a good history of this. But if so, I do not know.
I say goodbye. She says nothing. It looks at his hands, then puts them into the pockets of the dress. He shakes his head. Back into the house, and this time closed the door.
I walk away from the curb. Some children spend a football at other end of the street. But they are my children. Or her children. There are leaves everywhere, even in the gutters. Everywhere you look, I see them in droves. Fall from the trees as I pass. I can not go without my feet stumble with them. They should do something about it. Should take the trouble to take a rake and leave this as it should.
Three yellow roses (Editorial Anagram)
